20. INFJ. Chemistry Major. Easily and often confused. Is aware of the fact that the elements used in blog title don't actually spell what one might think at first glance. <3

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Am I losing it?

I think I’m going crazy. I’m not sure. I don’t know. I’m confused.

I found a little baby, possibly one or two day old baby goose a few days ago. I took him in an had been taking care of him for the past two days. It was adorable and sweet and just a little cutie pie, even though it liked to poop and peep all night so I’ve gotten like no sleep.

Today, I had taken it up to a park office to ask if they’d know what to do with it- I could raise him, I could keep him until he’s ready to fly away, but he’d be all by himself, no other geese, spoiled and not used to the wild, so I didn’t want to damage his ability to life out there in the world after I had to let him go. I’ve got college. I can’t take care of a goose for all that long, and I knew that just had to be better for him. They were going to find a place for him, get people to contact us, and we were gonna take care of him until we found someone to take him. I didn’t mind. I loved the little thing, and it had taken quite a liken to me and I believe I was mommy in his eyes. But then he was a Canadian Goose… They are illegal to own without a permit, so suddenly, on our way home, we were called to take him back up there and just drop him off. They didn’t have anything to do for him. One guy, a park ranger, suggested jsut dump him off by the river where we’d found him and he’s be fine- No, no he wouldn’t, he would die. He was left out their for HOURS before and no mammy came. I have not even seen baby geese, or ANY geese for that matter, up at that park. He would have died. And now I couldn’t take him home where he would be safe, well feed, taken care of, warm, cuddled, loved, basically we were taking care of him 100% fine, just no actual goose figues in his life. But they called the wilflife officer to take him and dump him off somewhere. Supposedly he was going to drop it off at a rescue center. I hope so, I hope it was a good one, because the little guys NEEDS that, I want him to get back into the wild and be great. That’;s fine. I wanted that. But for some reason it just all upset me and I couldn’t hep but cry.

And I’m still upset over it. I still cry about it. Why? I only had it for two days. I wouldn’t think I could get that attached, could I? Is that possible? It’s like I might feel if a pet I’d had for years had to be taken away. I miss him. I miss his little peeps and the way he looked at me, those little eyes holding some knowing look in them, yes I’m weird but he just had some looks he gave, ahaha… No more baby goose wanting to be near me. To look up to me when I came in. To quite up and listen to the sound of my voice whenever I spoke. I’m happy for him though, to be able to be with geese and go on out into the wild. I don’t know why I’m so sad. I guess I just got too attached? :(

But that’s… Not really what I’m worried about, not the reason I think I’m going crazy. I’m getting to that now.

Ever since he got taken away, I’ve been hearing his peeping over top of other noises randomly. Like coming out of the white noise in the background, or right over top of the TV I am trying to listen too but can’t because all I hear is peeping. Varied peeping. Sometimes the questioning peeps. Other times the “mommy mommy help! D:” distress peeps. Sometimes soft cooing peeps. Happy peep. Purring peeps. All of his little different peeps. I don’t know why and still hearing him everywhere doesn’t help me feel better, it makes me miss him more.

And I’m not even thinking about him when I hear these peeps. That confuses me more. I could see thinking of his voice, or thinking I hear him if I think about him enough, but… No, I’ll be COMPLETELY distracted by something else and here his peeping out of no where. Immediately my concentration snaps and I am reminded of him- and I’ll continue to hear it. Still hearing it. I don’t understand? Why would I be hearing this?

Maybe because for all two days, he mostly peeped. Sound left over trapped in my brain? My ears got so used to hearing it they are making it up? It’s just so weird. I though I hear him “peep peep!” when I walked into my house tonight, with no one up and no TV on and no real other noises. I was out with my boyfriend trying to figure out what a TV was saying while we waited for ice cream and I couldn’t focus on the words because all I could hear was peeping and chirping over top of it all, and he said the TV was fine and he couldn’t, at ANY point all day, hear any of the peeping so it’s just me, all me, and my wacko-brain. What is wrong with me?

There’s another noise two. Less frequent that the peeping that started up today. We have a mocking bird, he’s very talented ahaha, and just like the peeping, I oddly heard him today in my brain or whatever too while over at my boyfriends. He didn’t hear it either. And it went on with it’s song which slowly faded into an almost overwhelming static like noise that after a while sounded… I dunno. I want to say like voices where behind it but I feel like that is even more my imagination trying to make sense of white noise, though TV wasn’t even an and no one was talking. Ah? Just the noise of silence? Then it went away just like that, and the whole ordeal couldn’t have been more than 10-15 seconds. O_o;;; I feel like I am losing it, ahhhhh. And I heard the mockingbird noises again a few minutes ago, and it’s almost two in the morning and no birds are up. That static part worried/confused me more slightly because I’d kinda sorta had that static noise show up in my ears before… At a concert, mostly just my right ear filled with a static noise while I was sitting down being kinda bored with the not-so-great band playing and then I was started out of it by what sounded like a scream and some voices through the static. :/??? I DON’T know, I say it’s just the noise of the concert blending together with everyone down in the mosh talking and yelling and all that jazz to seem like static and voices in it, and maybe in that static it just amplified a scream from someone in there? I wasn’t in the mosh area and was kinda far off from people, but still it’s loud. Small, local metal music concert mind you, noting all that big or anything, but still very loud. It just started me then because it sounded like a terrified/in pain woman’s scream. And there wasn’t anyone around me that seemed to be getting into it enough to even want to scream during the music so I don’t know.  I wasn’t paying much attention to them all though. I’m just crazy I guess. I’m SURE there’s plenty of explanations for this, right? Yeah. I just don’t know enough about what made me think I’m hearing those things…

Maybe my mind it just taking sounds and messing up and playing them on repeat when they aren’t even their. I have no idea. It makes me feel weird though because I don’t want to hear any of it, it kind of weirds me out because no one else hears it and I get odd looks if I ask, so I don’t. I don’t know what to make of it all. And no one else is bothered so I assume they aren’t hearing things. I’m just losing it today. Maybe after I sleep everything will be just fine, ahaha. X3;;;;?